I Think That Means He Likes Me...

1. My cat Jack has been drooling at the corners of his mouth recently (since we moved out of state). I notice he does it when he's on my bed. I searched the internet for answers. He's not foaming at the mouth, he's not dehydrated, he's not eating irregularly, he's a totally healthy cat other than the occasional drool. So, it turns out some cats drool just because they're happy. He probably does it on the bed because that's "cuddle time" or "sleepy time".Thanks Jack. I love you too, buddy!

2. My husband finally decided to pull the plug on our marriage. He's filing for divorce. But I don't need anyone's pity. I'm going to be 100% okay. It hurt the first few times he threatened me with it. Now? I'm just ready to move on and find somebody that truly makes me happy, and loves me all day every day. Love is supposed to be "for better or for worse", not at your convenience. You're not supposed to pick and choose which days you feel like being supportive. So in my eyes, this is a fresh start. There are plenty of fish in the sea... really sexy fish with muscles and charming smiles. Oh, so many fish to be had, just gotta reel one in!

3. For years I've envied the "Lady Gaga's" of the world. I've always wanted to look on the outside, how I truly feel on the inside. Inside I'm a loud, funky, eccentric, colorful, hippie-child. What I see in the mirror is a conservative, frumpy-grandma-sweater-wearing, stick in the mud. So, I wonder what other people see. It may sound silly, but to me... an outfit tells a lot about a person. (My latest and greatest addition.... my awesome new rainbow socks)

That's all I feel like writing tonight. Although I have lots of other things on the tip of my tongue; mostly complaints about men and the stupid mind games they play (or pretend not to play). But I feel like I'll probably just say something in haste that I'll regret later, so for now I bid you adieu. Peace!

I Can't Wait Until I Bloom.

How will we ever learn to grow,
if we aren't willing to dig our hands in the dirt?

I have been living here with my aunt and uncle for 1 month.
I can't believe it's been a month!
Time has gone by SO fast.
But that only happens when you're having fun, right?
So, in some ways I'm really enjoying myself.

Since I've been here I've realized something.
In order for me to get where I'm going...
I'll need to try new things.
Go where I've never gone before.

I have dreams....... I have hopes.
I don't just want to find happiness.
I want to help others find it, too!
I want to see myself on the radio, in a magazine, on tv....
Not because I want to be famous,
But because I want to change the world.
I want my message to be heard.
The message is simple.
With love, teamwork, and commitment...
EVERYTHING is possible.

When I grow up, I want to heal the world.

Don't Let the Door Hit Ya, Where the Good Lord Split Ya.

With this ring.... I thee wed.

I'm highly impressed with the fact that my husband

of 3 1/2 years suddenly lost the ability to tell me

"I love you" ever since I moved to Wisconsin.

And by highly impressed... I mean highly pissed!

Although I shouldn't be surprised,
I really shouldn't be.
And even if he did say it,
it's not like it would fix our past.
I'm just really good at

letting others make me feel worthless.
I'm hurt because I feel like
I'm not important enough to be loved.

Four Letter Words

FUCK! THIS!! SHIT!!!!!

Whew! Now that I got that out of the way....

I'm happy with the fresh new look to my website.

It's symbolic to my entire life right now.

I'm starting a whole new chapter here in Wisconsin.
So why not start my blog like a breath of fresh air?

I have been here in Beloit for 7 days. This week went by in a flash.

I'm still rather hesitant to fully come out of my shell.

Being me has never gotten me far in the past.

It usually ends with me offending somebody with my abrasiveness.

Lately I've shut myself off to the world.
But the world proves time and time again....

She's not ready to let me run and hide.
I suppose like everyone else I have to face my problems.

Can't keep pretending tomorrow will never come.

It always does. It always will.

10 Days to Wisconsin

 How can I explain it?
Like an ocean's wave rushing the sandy shore.
Erasing footprints. Erasing memories.
My heart is heavy.
A great burden I carry.

Perhaps you see a bitch because my words can cut you into pieces. What you don't see is the hurt. What you don't see is the scared little girl inside; frightened of the future, timid of the unknown, attracted to the chaos to avoid the silence. When the world is quiet, I'm left with my own thoughts. I crave attention because I can't handle being alone. The things I think and the hurt I feel............... it's unbearable alone.

I'm moving to Wisconsin in 10 days. My husband is NOT coming with me. The worst part is that I don't even know what's happening; is this a separation? is this a divorce? am i ever coming back? I DON'T KNOW!!! I don't feel that publicly advertising this information is appropriate, but I also know what it's like to keep it to myself day after day. I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

Damn facebook. It's so easy to find yourself creeping on a friends page, staring at their photos, envying them. In fact, for me it's harder NOT to. I realize my status updates lately have a theme: "I'm bored and lonely." It's a desperate cry for help, hoping somebody will hear me. Hoping one of these days, somebody is going to call me or text me "You want to hang out tonight?". Alas, it's just a computer, not a magic box, and friends aren't going to Houdini themselves into my life simply because I want some this very moment. The sad truth is that I know even if I finally got that phone call or that text, it would only be a temporary relief. The next day I'd still be in the same situation............ wanting more. The grass is always greener on the other side, at least it is in the world of Reece Fox.

Anchors and Sails

My world always seems to be anchored down.
My ship is ready to set sail.
Something is wrong with the captain.

In 2 weeks I'll be leaving my life in Missouri. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. I feel a bit like a goldfish in an ocean; small and lost with little to no direction. I spend so much of my time trying to put on a happy face, as if somebody would think less of me for not being calm and collected. I'm willing to admit, I'm not as put together as I want to be seen. Only so much can be bottled inside, until it explodes out of you!

I'm angry. I'm stressed. I'm hurt. I try not to get emotional in front of others, but lately, all I want to do is yell or cry. About everything; my dead sister, my marriage, my job, college, my parents, my "friends" or lack of. At this point, running out of milk could bring me to tears. I'm emotional over everything and nothing at the same time.

What I want is to know that I matter to somebody, because most days I hardly matter to myself. I'd like to think of friendship as a story, and many of my stories are on their last chapter. One day I'll just be a picture to delete off someone's facebook. One day I'll be gone, have I left anything worth remembering? One day I'll be a memory somebody had of "that one girl that liked cats".

If I Die Young, Just Remember.....

On Friday, May 6, 2011.....
     My older sister, Elissa, died at the age of 25. To say the least my family is having a difficult time right now. All I ever wanted for her was happiness. I hope she'll be around to watch over me. This song is for you Elissa, you meant the world to me.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove, Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Remember When Tootsie Rolls Were 1cent?

I'm not your typical 22 year old. Instead of partying and having obscene amounts of fun, I'm lavishly boring. Often times the highlight of my day is watching my 20 lb cat, Trebek, romp around the house; shooting from room to room with short bursts of fierce energy. I tend to be an old soul at heart. I find myself more content with life when it's simple and natural.

I've felt like I was "old" ever since I was 10. I'm not sure if that is difficult to understand because, honestly, it sounds natural to me. When I was 16, I felt like I was in my 20's. Now that I'm actually in my 20's I feel like I'm 30. Regularly I find myself thinking "it's not like it used to be" and "whatever happened to..."

The crabby old lady inside me is mildly frustrated with technology lately. Sometimes I just feel like as humans we're evolving too much for our own good. Here's my unoriginal thought for the day: We are so reliant on internet, computers, iphones, tivo, ipods, etc Everything is so easy, and in the process it's making us lazy.

This is a comic I drew to sum up my thoughts. Enjoy.

QUICK, Pass The Kleenex!

I'm happy to report that I'm alive!!!

This has been the worst cold I've had in nearly 10 years. About 9 days ago it started with the typical runny nose, a day later came the sore throat, closely followed by mucus build up in my airways, and an incessant cough. Unfortunately, I also have asthma. So my breathing was gettng dangerously irregular; especially at night with the cold air.

As of today I felt well enough to go back to work since the cold is gone, but I'm still having airway troubles. It's getting better, so I've kept putting off a visit to the doctors. Personally, it annoys me when people go to the doctors for every little thing. A cold? Come on, dude. It's not cancer. It's really nothing to worry about; drink water, sleep, take fever reducer, pain reliever, etc. Easy Peasy. If some of these hypochondriacs would stop over analyzing every symptom they have, it might actually free up some appointments for people with REAL problems to get seen at our clinics.

It takes an act of congress for me to set myself up an appointment. I just don't like people giving me information I could have figured out from WebMD and a drug I could have gotten OTC from Walmart. BUT.... having said that, if I'm not better in another 3 or 4 days, I'll go to the doctors. I think.

Despite the sickness, I've been feeling happier lately. It's been a month that I've been taking my meds for Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It might be "power of suggestion", but I think things are getting better. I love myself enough to realize: I deserve happiness! And if it takes medication to get there, so be it. I'm okay with that. :)

Your God Looks Like My God

I believe that if there IS a God, He works in mysterious ways. Some of His work is hard to find, and some is even harder to explain. Whoever He is, He clearly has a sense of humor. There's no denying that much. Take kitty here for ex.

Isn't this just adorable!

I don't believe there is one God. I believe in what you could call a, "Personal Jesus", and the possibility that there is a "perfect God" for every individual. Somebody may desire a strict symbol to worship, wheras somebody else may desire multiple God's to help them through life. It's all about finding your God, but ALSO being happy for your neighbor when they find their God... even if it's not exactly the same as yours.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know where I came up with this belief. It wasn't taught to me by anybody. Even though my mother tried to raise us Catholic, I haven't fully read The Bible. I've only read the "cliff notes" so to speak. I know a little here and there about this and that, but I don't know enough to classify myself as any one religion. Even as a kid I was too independent to want somebody telling me a "proper" way to worship the Lord. I'm just ME, and I believe in what I believe! Simple as that. Aaaand... so long as nobody has definite proof of who's actually got it right, I'm going to continue doing so.

Blizzard... And I Don't Mean Dairy Queen.

There's so much snow on my back porch that I can't open the door!!!

This is not my door, BUT this is a fucking brilliant idea.

It's February. So, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about snow in February. I would just prefer the ability to get to and from work in it. Luckily I don't work all week until Thursday because I would have wound up screwing them over by calling out. Sorry, call me selfish.... I'm not risking my safety for Kohl's. This job is just not that important, let's call a spade a spade. I make less than $8/hour. Not worth it.

Last year I threw my cat, Jack, in the snow just to see what he'd do. (Curiosity. Cats. You know. Anyway...). He started making his way to the neighbors part of our split double deck. He loved it!! I had to chase after him! It was hilarious. He wasn't getting far because it was a foot over his head. This year if I threw him out there.... I'd consider turning myself in for animal cruelty. It's viciously cold and blizzard-like out there!. We're supposed to get another 6 inches tomorrow. I'm glad the house is full of food and drinks because we aren't going anywhere for a while.

(This reminded me of my cats all looking out the door)

I Heard From Becky Who Heard From Lisa Who Heard From Amy....

WOMEN LOVE GOSSIP!

[Gossip Bitch #1] "Did you see what she was wearing?"

[Loyal Follower] I KNOW!

[Gossip Bitch #2] "She could go straight from work to a street corner!"

[Loyal Follower] DEFINITELY! {insert malicious laughter}

{Innocent Eavesdropper} Who you guys talking about?

[Gossip Bitch #1] You mean you didn't SEE her?! Oh, trust me.

You'll know it when you see it.

[Gossip Bitch #2] She's wearing her hooker boots today.

[Gossip Bitch #1] Prostitute boots.

[Loyal Follower] YEAH! What a slut!

{Innocent Eavesdropper} Ohh. Ok. {walks away}

I didn't mean to be dropping eaves. I really didn't, (at least not THIS time). However, if you're going to talk shit about somebody you work with, you really shouldn't do it in the breakroom. And you really shouldn't do it while other employees are within ear shot, especially when that "certain hooker" you're talking about happens to be your boss.

When I heard the word "SSSSSSLUT" come from the lips of the loyal follower, to be honest, it shocked me! I was dying to find out what my manager was wearing that stirred up so much chatter. I obviously didn't take a photo of my manager, but I found these outfits to show a general idea of her attire from the waist-down. 

I know what you're thinking!! These women look like total prostitutes, right? I mean, they might as well quit their day jobs and turn to cheap condoms, smoking crack, and a boyfriend named Big Daddy. LoL. Seriously? Aside from the tube top, I don't think these outfits look inappropriate for Kohl's. Certainly not deserving of the word "SLUT". It was clear to me that these women were just jealous. I felt pity because I know if I was in my 40's,50's, had gray hair, wrinkles, and bad teeth... I'd be jealous too. Just not jealous enough to defame somebodys character over something as silly as shoes!

Well, it just didn't sit right with me. I decided to go to the manager. I told her what I overheard, and that it made me feel awful and uncomfortable. It resonated with me because we are supposed to be good to one another as co-workers. It should be us against the customers, not each other. We're all in the same boat, even the managers. It's just a job, and we shouldn't let it define who we are.

Long story short, the loyal follower found out that I passed along the slut comment. I found this very unsettling, especially since I never divuldged any information about where the comment came from and who was participating in the conversation. I felt guilty because I was actually friends with the follower, but I realized something; I feel negative because I surround myself with negative. So, when the loyal follower blocked me from FBook I wasn't upset. She was actually doing me a favor. 2011 is a new year, and a fresh start. So, step 1 on my journey to aboslute self discovery:

Surround myself with something positve and become something positive.

I've Come to Realize....

This is my first blog post for the year 2011. 

1. I've come to realize that my cravings: For food are nearly insatiable. :)

2. I've come to realize that my job: is an evil multi-billion dollar corporation that promotes greed and giving minimum wage to hard working people as a way to cut corners on their budget.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving: I'm constantly nervous. Not excessively, but I'm an overly cautious driver. I try to figure out what the other drivers are going to do before it happens. And I have a problem looking other drivers in the face unless I'm wearing sunglasses.

4. I've come to realize that I need: to love myself before moving forward with life. (this was actually what I answered last year, and it still holds true).

5. I've come to realize that I have lost: my childhood innocence. Nothing seems as grand as it once was. Not even Disney movies compare to the old days.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when: I'm alone, yet my personality disorder pushes people away.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm drunk: it almost always ends in a hang over the next morning.

8. I've come to realize that money: truly is the root of all evil.

9. I've come to realize that certain people: need to grow up.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always: reminisce about the past, but it's not healthy to live there.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s): make me feel like I matter in this world.

12. I've come to realize that my mom: still loves me

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone: is just a piece of plastic. I prefer texting to talking.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning: I wanted to go back to bed, but didn't.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep: sometimes I take for granted sleeping next to a warm body. Sleeping alone is a horrible feeling.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am: slightly psychotic and I have very abnormal thoughts at times.

17. I've come to realize that my dad: really hurts me when he says he'll call me and doesn't for weeks on end.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook: I hate seeing certain people over and over.

19. I've come to realize that today: is a good day to stay off the snowy roads and watch a movie.

20. I've come to realize that tonight: is the last of my 4 day weekend. I've enjoyed it thoroughly.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow: I have to mentally prepare myself to go back to work.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to: go to Red Lobster for my 3 year anniversary in February.

24. I've come to realize that life: gives us what we need, not always what we want.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend: I'll be working, like most every other weekend.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset: "I'm not ready to make nice" Dixie Chicks.

28. I've come to realize that this year: 2010, was a constant struggle with my family and friends.

29. I've come to realize that my ex: is tolerable, but I don't much care for his girlfriend talking to me.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should: do a little growing up myself.

31. I've come to realize that I love... being a wife. I take it for granted sometimes and I shouldn't.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand: my sister in-law Jenna. She may or may not be the anti-christ.

33. I've come to realize my past: haunts me at times.

34. I've come to realize that parties: are fun sometimes, but that's not the lifestyle I want.

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified: to be myself around everyone I meet.

36. I've come to realize that my life: is no more important than anybody else's. Terrorists included. At least they have passion to stick up for their beliefs. I prefer to sit on a couch and each cheetos.