Respect My Authoratah!

For the sake of anonymity, and slight defamation of character I cannot say the name of the person I'm going to write about. So, for funsies I'm going to call this person Cartman. You shall see it befitting as I do after this blog, trust me. :)

Abraham Lincoln said, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Recently Cartman got a promotion. (That's not saying much in this company. My last raise evaluation left me with a measley 11 cent increase per hour. Oh, boy!) The promotion for Cartman was exceptionally exciting, given he's only 21 years old. So a little bit of power sent Cartman into a frenzy.

Cartman called an employee to tell them they need to stand up straight at the registers and stop slouching. Later when a co-worker answered the phone with a, "hello?" Cartman snapped back, "When you answer the phones you need to say, "This is (your name), not just hello." All in a days work of bossing around, but that wasn't enough. Just one more for good measure.

Listen people, it's retail in December; it gets busy at my job. A new employee still hadn't taken her last 15 minute break of an 8 hour shift and she only had 30 minutes left until her shift was over. When she asked if she could take it Cartman told her that the last 15 minute break is optional for the company to give them if its busy. This poor girl came to me in tears. She was crying, saying she'd never been talked down to in such a way before. So, without getting too into details, I remedied the situation and got her the last break she was due. Just FYI, the bullshit Cartman was spouting off is actually illegal. A company can't actually deprive you of your breaks, know your rights people!

Cartman and I used to be friends until his promotion. Now I'm really hoping I get this LP job so I can get the hell away from him and his Nazi ways. He walked up to me and said something, I told him, "I don't care." [simple. yet to the point.] Later he said something to me and I clearly heard it. Clearly didn't respond. I gave a super cold shoulder. Never mess with a firecracker unless you're prepared for the burn.  

I'm Too Drunk To Taste This Chicken.

(If you don't know already, the blog title is a quote from Talladega Nights. Look into it) My Friday night started out pretty mild. We went to a bar downtown called Barney's and started off with some drinks; Boulevard for him, Jack n Coke for me. We played a few games of pool while I ordered a Jagerbomb (which if you've never had one it tastes like black licorice. not the best taste, but not the worst).

We switched bars and went to a place called Nathan's where I had two more Jacks and one more Jagerbomb. We ordered some batter fried portabella mushrooms. (Delicious by the way). But I was pretty drunk at this point, so we decided to leave.

After all the money we spent on drinks I just wanted to go home, but Dan insisted on Wendy's. I was backseat driving telling him not to turn, so he was swerving a bit back and forth, not sure whether to listen to me or listen to his stomach. But the decision was made for him by the flashing police lights behind us. So we pulled into the parking lot, and waited to see what they could possibly want. The first thing I said was, "Well, at least we don't have any weed on us." (Mostly because I was drunk and more amused than nervous, so I was trying to get a laugh from Dan.)

So the cop walks up to the car, "License & Registration. Do you know why I stopped you?"..... no, obviously not. We just wanted some cheeseburgers. "You squealed your tires back there and were accelerating excessively. And you were driving all over the road. Step out of the car please."

We tried explaining that our tires squeal because they are bald. We don't have the money to replace them so we just deal with the noise it occassionally makes. Tried explaining the swerving. The speed limit was 25, and I dunno about you but it doesn't take me very long to accelerate to 25/mph. But Dan was over the legal limit on the breathalizer, no escaping that one.

So, Dan got a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) charge, he has a court date set up for January, a 30 day driving suspension, and in addition to the fine we have to pay for the DWI, we now also have a fine for "excessive noise". Really? Excessive noise? Seriously. Bite me. I'll fight that in court. That's unjust.

The officer handcuffed Dan and took him to the courthouse jail, and asked me if I had a friend I could call to come pick me up since I'd also been drinking. I told him no, I don't have anybody I can call. So what does he do? Leaves me there. I asked him if there was any way he could help me get home, and he just reiterated, "Maybe you can call a friend or somebody." Wow.... thanks asshole. Way to be a hero!

So it's the middle of November, cold out, almost Midnight, I'm drunk, alone, and 4 miles away from home. Not exactly what I had in mind when we left the house. I didn't know what to do, so I went back to Barney's to talk to the bartender. I figured she might be able to tell me where they took Dan, not only did she tell me, but she told her manager she was going to drive me there. So, a cop won't help me, but a random stranger from a bar will. What a fucked up world.

So me and Britney, the bartender girl, drove to the courthouse only to find out that he wont be able to get out for another half hour because he has a bunch of processing paperwork. She drives me back to Barney's to wait, and calls a friend of hers to drive me home so she can finish her shift. So stranger #2, Jeremiah, drives me to the courthouse. I finally pick up my husband, we make it home. I thanked Brtiney and Jeremiah like CRAZY. I really don't know what I would have done without their random kindness.

We walk up to the house and a group of black guys are hanging around outside. Dan shouts: "I JUST GOT ARRESTED. WOOOO!" So, they asked us what happened. After we told the story, one of the guys holding a bottle of Hennesy says, "Here you need some of this." We're both still drunk, and figure what the hell, why not. So we both take some. Then we [kinda] invited ourselves into their apartment (which is just below ours), and let me just say that's totally not like me. In fact I don't even know my neighbors name. Alcohol is pure liquid courage. Dangerous liquid courage. 

Dan and I were the only white people in the room, and the only married people in the room. They didn't seem to care. They were passing us drinks, they were loading a hookah bowl for us, then we started playing some drinking games "I've never ever" (where you say a statement, "I have never.... [farted]". and if you actually have done it, you take a drink.) Then we played a dirty card game. You pick a card from this deck of naked ladies in all kinds of kinky positions, and whatever you get, you have to mimic what they do in the picture (clothing on of course). Mine was really mild, just a girl grabbing her butt with her leg hiked up. Some of them were pretty funny, you can imagine.

So around 2 or 3 am I finally walked upstairs and crashed in bed. What a night.

My Cat Named Trebek.

A few months after I married Dan (I was 19 at the time) and was looking for a job in an empty apartment. It was lonely when he was at work, and I decided I wanted to get a kitten to keep me company. I had a perfect idea of what color kitten I'd like too, well, what we want isn't always what we get. Living in Oklahoma where it's more common to [probably] shoot a cat rather than rescue it, there weren't many cats at the adoption facility. 3 to be exact. There only 3 to choose from. So I picked the friendliest of the 3. He was black, which I was disappointed with because I was hoping for a colorful cat. But I was greatful that he was at least friendly and still fairly small...


One of the first few pictures we ever took the first week he was adopted.

I wasn't sure how this new cat would like Dan or vice versa, but I took the chance. When Dan walked in the door from work the cat went right to him and rubbed against his legs. Love at first sight. We knew having a pet was a handful, but it felt like an animal would be fun. We didn't know what to name him. I wanted something unique. We were into watching SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy with Will Ferell as Alex Trebek and Sean Connery and Burt Reynolds are always contestants. Anyway, we thought Trebek was an awesome idea at the time. No regrets. Here's an example:
Episode Of SNL Celebrity Jeopardy with Tom Hanks guest.

Now, here's a bunch of photos of Trebek since 2008.

Cat Nip. Totally... Stoned.

Serious Cat says: Thx for reading BitterSweet Paradigm. Breathe In. Breathe Out.



A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words.



(I found this while trying to find a google photo to go with the search criteria: "Optomistic")

At first I glance I thought, that's a lame photo to represent what I'm feeling. But then I thought about it. I am feeling a bit optomistic lately, and this tree is growing ever-so optomistically on that dead end ledge. Perhaps this blooming plant DOES represent a bit of myself in it.

I've had an amazing week that's been getting better at every turn. Seriously, this feels out of character; being a glass-half-empty pessimist by nature. Being happy is somewhat of a distant memory back to the time I was little, singing Alanis Morisette, on a swing set, in the rain with my sisters, like singing was going out of style. Oh, man. Singing all the damn time. Now, I'm shy to sing in front of people. I miss how care-free I once was.

Anyway. About my week: Friday night I went drinking with my father-in-law and Dan. Then Saturday morning I worked, slightly hung over with mild dizziness and a headache. (A friend gave me two pills. I took them not knowing what the side effects of these things were. I just knew it would get rid of a headache. Turns out they were muscle relaxers. Oops.) I sobered up from the pills, or so I thought. Which brings us to Saturday night. After an amazing night at Side Pockets- a bar/pool hall, 3 Doubles of Jack n Coke, one Jagerbomb, and a couple puke sessions on my part... I wound up crashing at my girlfriend's house. Sunday I missed work because I was too busy sleeping away my memories of what happened the night before. :) *Oh, by the way.... I suffered some slight memory loss of the later events*

Which leads me to some really good advice. Make sure you don't take mystery pills. & definitely don't take them with alcohol. BUT, despite that bitter fact... I had a fun Sunday. My father-in-law invited Dan and I over for chili and cornbread (with real corn, again! yes! fantastic. I love the stuff). Which was nice of him to offer, because I guess it means he's warming up to me as much as I'm trying to warm up to him. Sad truths.

Okay, good news & better news. Good news: Today my manager came up to me and said to talk to her after work because she had something to tell me; a customer called and wanted to talk to a manager about me. The customer said that I was "awesome, really fast, and nice". Okay, that may not sound like much to you, but it felt good to me. Because I've had some people say the exact opposite. Just depends on the customer sometimes. Better news: I might be getting a new job. So, after Thanksgiving (Black Friday, shudder..... some people think sales. I think... torture). I have to work 9 hours on Black Friday. But who knows. This might be my last holiday working as a cashier. Maybe I will hold the ability to keep that in mind. :) Fingers Crossed. I'll get the final word on the job in the next few weeks.

They Are Having Sex Awfully Loud Tonight

So, I'm sure you're captivated by the blog title today. I'm going to give you fair warning: this blog is sexual in content. If you are a close family member of mine I might reccommend you stop reading, because I'm about to talk about a very liberal subject........ Still here? Good. I like that optomistic spirit of yours so lets continue.

I'm usually a conservative person. I don't go out of my way to tell people about my sex life, but I'm not a prude either. Last night something happened that was so embarassing that I couldn't think of anything better to do than blog about it to my few, but faithful viewers.

Last night was one of the rare occassions that my sexual advances didn't work on Dan. He was supposed to wake up early the next day for class, and was too tired for any action. I was a little let down seeing as I'm usually the one saying, "I'm too tired." Right ladies? You've been there. So I decided I was going to accomplish this mission solo.

I put on my robe, which always makes me feel like a bit of a porn star. And I headed off to the computer room. I caught wind of this great porn site called I Feel Myself and yes, you have to pay money to join. However, let me be one to say..... it's totally worth it. So, as I was sifting through some new videos to spark the mood I put on my headphones. Right below our computer room is our neighbors bedroom. It was late at night and I figured some discretion might be tasteful in case he was down there trying to sleep.

I finally found something that turned me on enough to finish the job. I was feeling adventurous so I even listened to it a little bit louder than usual knowing only I could hear it. Sometimes listening to somebody else moaning and groaning is good enough to get the job done, and this video was not in short supply of that. It didn't take long before I started getting those tingles and jingles, and BAM! done.  I was extrememly tired afterwards, so I put my clothes back on and started to put the headphones away...... only to realize...

I never plugged in the headphones. And it was LOUD tonight. I'm pretty sure my neighbor heard everything, but to keep my sanity I'm just going to tell myself he didn't. Maybe he's a hard sleeper, maybe he was sleeping on the couch tonight, maybe he wasn't even home. Maybe he didn't hear. So much for discretion.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.

Today I pulled into the parking lot at work and noticed there was a lone shopping cart that didn't quite make it back inside the store. If you've ever shopped at Kohl's you know it's not like Wal-Mart. There is no shopping cart area outside. So, somebody clearly got lazy and decided to leave it out. I thought about bringing it back inside, but I said to myself, "Who cares somebody else will do it eventually."

I started to walk away, and I realized.... that's a horrible way to think. If everybody thought this way the world would stop functioning. I remember saying to myself, "Just do it. You don't have to go out of your way. It's the right thing to do." So I picked it up to get it out of the woodchips it was surrounded by, and wouldn't you know it. As I lifted it, the metal bar shoved hard into my shin. It burned and throbbed for a while, but I didn't want to look weak in case anybody was around watching what just happened, so I walked it off like a champ. Not only did I hit it hard enough to bruise, but I actually took a layer of skin off as well.

Welcome to Adulthood, Enjoy the Coffee.

It seems to me most adults drink coffee.

As a teenager I could never quite get over the bitter taste.

But last night I was curious to try again.

It will take some getting used to.

Then today I had another cup.

Okay, so it was more like milk & sugar with a splash of coffee.

But it's a start.

Coffee is such a comforting smell to me.

When I smell coffee I want to read a newspaper and listen to the news.

I want to sit on the back porch snuggled warm in a bathrobe.

I want to have a piece of pumpkin pie.

I want to wear a scarf & jump in a pile of leaves.

What's not to like about coffee?

No You Cannot Be A Diva On My Birthday.

Today is my 22nd birthday. I have known since I was 14 that I wanted a tattoo, and so I decided this birthday I would drive to Kansas City and finally get one. For weeks I've been reminding my husband of "my tattoo this. my tattoo that." I told him where and when. This was fine with him until 2am when he surprised me with, "I'm not going to Kansas City. It's too far." The day OF he tells me this!! I'm pissed, but I negotiated to go to Lee's Summit which is a half hour closer. I started reading some online reviews for the place I chose; some good, some bad. After reading some bad ones he said, "Maybe you should rethink this tattoo idea." I'm annoyed to say the very... very least.

He left for class this morning, and got home at 4pm instead of the usual 2pm. Once he's home he says he's not ready to go to Lee's Summit until he has a nap. Then asks me, "Why can't you just get your tattoo on Saturday??"......... Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that question? After I specifically requested this day off? After weeks of planning? After telling all of my co-workers about the tattoo I was getting? You expect me to walk into work tomorrow without one? Go take your nap, you goddamn diva!

The entire drive there he had his arms crossed and didn't say a word. He wasn't very pleasant until he realized my dinner of choice for the night was Five Guys cheeseburgers. I swear, their food must have crack in it because both of us changed moods on a dime. We left  in high spirits ready to get my tatto cherry popped. The tattoo artist, Jake, was very friendly and helpful. He talked me through everything I need to know when I get my next tattoo, and yes I said when, not if. When people say tattoos are addicting, now I know what they mean. I have a ridiculously low pain tolerancy, and this little guy took 15 minutes and I only winced about 3 times. I love the tattoo, my only complaint would be that it's kinda skinny, but that's fixable.

When we came home the pumpkin pie I'd baked earlier was ready for consumption and I was ready for the new premiere episode of South Park. They played a rerun before the new episode, and wouldn't you know it... "Make Love Not Warcraft" was on tv. My ALL time favorite South Park episode. Ever. So the day started off shaky but ended up being pretty special. My only regret is that my real mom never called me to wish me happy birthday. Not a phone call, not a card, not even an email. I knew she wouldn't, but it didn't make it hurt any less. It sucks when your own mother won't acknowledge she gave birth to you. She ruined my 21st birthday, so I promised myself I wouldn't let her ruin it for me this year. I make my own happiness.

Find a Happy Place

Welcome to my world. For now I'm going with my alias: Reece Fox, how the name came about is a story for another time though. I decided to start blogging again (after quite a long hiatus) because I've been going through some hard times, sad times, even a few great times... and I need a place to put down my thoughts with a general disregard for the social consequences of what I say. I'm not a very positive or cheery person, but I'm trying to change that. I'm hoping writing will be just the stress relief I need to get my thoughts out in the open and off of my mind.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to publicize this one or not. In the meantime, here's a lovely picture to inspire me (& you) to think out of the box and take the initiative to be a source of positivity in a prodominantly negative world.