I'm Too Drunk To Taste This Chicken.

(If you don't know already, the blog title is a quote from Talladega Nights. Look into it) My Friday night started out pretty mild. We went to a bar downtown called Barney's and started off with some drinks; Boulevard for him, Jack n Coke for me. We played a few games of pool while I ordered a Jagerbomb (which if you've never had one it tastes like black licorice. not the best taste, but not the worst).

We switched bars and went to a place called Nathan's where I had two more Jacks and one more Jagerbomb. We ordered some batter fried portabella mushrooms. (Delicious by the way). But I was pretty drunk at this point, so we decided to leave.

After all the money we spent on drinks I just wanted to go home, but Dan insisted on Wendy's. I was backseat driving telling him not to turn, so he was swerving a bit back and forth, not sure whether to listen to me or listen to his stomach. But the decision was made for him by the flashing police lights behind us. So we pulled into the parking lot, and waited to see what they could possibly want. The first thing I said was, "Well, at least we don't have any weed on us." (Mostly because I was drunk and more amused than nervous, so I was trying to get a laugh from Dan.)

So the cop walks up to the car, "License & Registration. Do you know why I stopped you?"..... no, obviously not. We just wanted some cheeseburgers. "You squealed your tires back there and were accelerating excessively. And you were driving all over the road. Step out of the car please."

We tried explaining that our tires squeal because they are bald. We don't have the money to replace them so we just deal with the noise it occassionally makes. Tried explaining the swerving. The speed limit was 25, and I dunno about you but it doesn't take me very long to accelerate to 25/mph. But Dan was over the legal limit on the breathalizer, no escaping that one.

So, Dan got a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) charge, he has a court date set up for January, a 30 day driving suspension, and in addition to the fine we have to pay for the DWI, we now also have a fine for "excessive noise". Really? Excessive noise? Seriously. Bite me. I'll fight that in court. That's unjust.

The officer handcuffed Dan and took him to the courthouse jail, and asked me if I had a friend I could call to come pick me up since I'd also been drinking. I told him no, I don't have anybody I can call. So what does he do? Leaves me there. I asked him if there was any way he could help me get home, and he just reiterated, "Maybe you can call a friend or somebody." Wow.... thanks asshole. Way to be a hero!

So it's the middle of November, cold out, almost Midnight, I'm drunk, alone, and 4 miles away from home. Not exactly what I had in mind when we left the house. I didn't know what to do, so I went back to Barney's to talk to the bartender. I figured she might be able to tell me where they took Dan, not only did she tell me, but she told her manager she was going to drive me there. So, a cop won't help me, but a random stranger from a bar will. What a fucked up world.

So me and Britney, the bartender girl, drove to the courthouse only to find out that he wont be able to get out for another half hour because he has a bunch of processing paperwork. She drives me back to Barney's to wait, and calls a friend of hers to drive me home so she can finish her shift. So stranger #2, Jeremiah, drives me to the courthouse. I finally pick up my husband, we make it home. I thanked Brtiney and Jeremiah like CRAZY. I really don't know what I would have done without their random kindness.

We walk up to the house and a group of black guys are hanging around outside. Dan shouts: "I JUST GOT ARRESTED. WOOOO!" So, they asked us what happened. After we told the story, one of the guys holding a bottle of Hennesy says, "Here you need some of this." We're both still drunk, and figure what the hell, why not. So we both take some. Then we [kinda] invited ourselves into their apartment (which is just below ours), and let me just say that's totally not like me. In fact I don't even know my neighbors name. Alcohol is pure liquid courage. Dangerous liquid courage. 

Dan and I were the only white people in the room, and the only married people in the room. They didn't seem to care. They were passing us drinks, they were loading a hookah bowl for us, then we started playing some drinking games "I've never ever" (where you say a statement, "I have never.... [farted]". and if you actually have done it, you take a drink.) Then we played a dirty card game. You pick a card from this deck of naked ladies in all kinds of kinky positions, and whatever you get, you have to mimic what they do in the picture (clothing on of course). Mine was really mild, just a girl grabbing her butt with her leg hiked up. Some of them were pretty funny, you can imagine.

So around 2 or 3 am I finally walked upstairs and crashed in bed. What a night.