I Heard From Becky Who Heard From Lisa Who Heard From Amy....

WOMEN LOVE GOSSIP!

[Gossip Bitch #1] "Did you see what she was wearing?"

[Loyal Follower] I KNOW!

[Gossip Bitch #2] "She could go straight from work to a street corner!"

[Loyal Follower] DEFINITELY! {insert malicious laughter}

{Innocent Eavesdropper} Who you guys talking about?

[Gossip Bitch #1] You mean you didn't SEE her?! Oh, trust me.

You'll know it when you see it.

[Gossip Bitch #2] She's wearing her hooker boots today.

[Gossip Bitch #1] Prostitute boots.

[Loyal Follower] YEAH! What a slut!

{Innocent Eavesdropper} Ohh. Ok. {walks away}

I didn't mean to be dropping eaves. I really didn't, (at least not THIS time). However, if you're going to talk shit about somebody you work with, you really shouldn't do it in the breakroom. And you really shouldn't do it while other employees are within ear shot, especially when that "certain hooker" you're talking about happens to be your boss.

When I heard the word "SSSSSSLUT" come from the lips of the loyal follower, to be honest, it shocked me! I was dying to find out what my manager was wearing that stirred up so much chatter. I obviously didn't take a photo of my manager, but I found these outfits to show a general idea of her attire from the waist-down. 

I know what you're thinking!! These women look like total prostitutes, right? I mean, they might as well quit their day jobs and turn to cheap condoms, smoking crack, and a boyfriend named Big Daddy. LoL. Seriously? Aside from the tube top, I don't think these outfits look inappropriate for Kohl's. Certainly not deserving of the word "SLUT". It was clear to me that these women were just jealous. I felt pity because I know if I was in my 40's,50's, had gray hair, wrinkles, and bad teeth... I'd be jealous too. Just not jealous enough to defame somebodys character over something as silly as shoes!

Well, it just didn't sit right with me. I decided to go to the manager. I told her what I overheard, and that it made me feel awful and uncomfortable. It resonated with me because we are supposed to be good to one another as co-workers. It should be us against the customers, not each other. We're all in the same boat, even the managers. It's just a job, and we shouldn't let it define who we are.

Long story short, the loyal follower found out that I passed along the slut comment. I found this very unsettling, especially since I never divuldged any information about where the comment came from and who was participating in the conversation. I felt guilty because I was actually friends with the follower, but I realized something; I feel negative because I surround myself with negative. So, when the loyal follower blocked me from FBook I wasn't upset. She was actually doing me a favor. 2011 is a new year, and a fresh start. So, step 1 on my journey to aboslute self discovery:

Surround myself with something positve and become something positive.

I've Come to Realize....

This is my first blog post for the year 2011. 

1. I've come to realize that my cravings: For food are nearly insatiable. :)

2. I've come to realize that my job: is an evil multi-billion dollar corporation that promotes greed and giving minimum wage to hard working people as a way to cut corners on their budget.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving: I'm constantly nervous. Not excessively, but I'm an overly cautious driver. I try to figure out what the other drivers are going to do before it happens. And I have a problem looking other drivers in the face unless I'm wearing sunglasses.

4. I've come to realize that I need: to love myself before moving forward with life. (this was actually what I answered last year, and it still holds true).

5. I've come to realize that I have lost: my childhood innocence. Nothing seems as grand as it once was. Not even Disney movies compare to the old days.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when: I'm alone, yet my personality disorder pushes people away.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm drunk: it almost always ends in a hang over the next morning.

8. I've come to realize that money: truly is the root of all evil.

9. I've come to realize that certain people: need to grow up.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always: reminisce about the past, but it's not healthy to live there.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s): make me feel like I matter in this world.

12. I've come to realize that my mom: still loves me

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone: is just a piece of plastic. I prefer texting to talking.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning: I wanted to go back to bed, but didn't.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep: sometimes I take for granted sleeping next to a warm body. Sleeping alone is a horrible feeling.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am: slightly psychotic and I have very abnormal thoughts at times.

17. I've come to realize that my dad: really hurts me when he says he'll call me and doesn't for weeks on end.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook: I hate seeing certain people over and over.

19. I've come to realize that today: is a good day to stay off the snowy roads and watch a movie.

20. I've come to realize that tonight: is the last of my 4 day weekend. I've enjoyed it thoroughly.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow: I have to mentally prepare myself to go back to work.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to: go to Red Lobster for my 3 year anniversary in February.

24. I've come to realize that life: gives us what we need, not always what we want.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend: I'll be working, like most every other weekend.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset: "I'm not ready to make nice" Dixie Chicks.

28. I've come to realize that this year: 2010, was a constant struggle with my family and friends.

29. I've come to realize that my ex: is tolerable, but I don't much care for his girlfriend talking to me.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should: do a little growing up myself.

31. I've come to realize that I love... being a wife. I take it for granted sometimes and I shouldn't.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand: my sister in-law Jenna. She may or may not be the anti-christ.

33. I've come to realize my past: haunts me at times.

34. I've come to realize that parties: are fun sometimes, but that's not the lifestyle I want.

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified: to be myself around everyone I meet.

36. I've come to realize that my life: is no more important than anybody else's. Terrorists included. At least they have passion to stick up for their beliefs. I prefer to sit on a couch and each cheetos.

Respect My Authoratah!

For the sake of anonymity, and slight defamation of character I cannot say the name of the person I'm going to write about. So, for funsies I'm going to call this person Cartman. You shall see it befitting as I do after this blog, trust me. :)

Abraham Lincoln said, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." Recently Cartman got a promotion. (That's not saying much in this company. My last raise evaluation left me with a measley 11 cent increase per hour. Oh, boy!) The promotion for Cartman was exceptionally exciting, given he's only 21 years old. So a little bit of power sent Cartman into a frenzy.

Cartman called an employee to tell them they need to stand up straight at the registers and stop slouching. Later when a co-worker answered the phone with a, "hello?" Cartman snapped back, "When you answer the phones you need to say, "This is (your name), not just hello." All in a days work of bossing around, but that wasn't enough. Just one more for good measure.

Listen people, it's retail in December; it gets busy at my job. A new employee still hadn't taken her last 15 minute break of an 8 hour shift and she only had 30 minutes left until her shift was over. When she asked if she could take it Cartman told her that the last 15 minute break is optional for the company to give them if its busy. This poor girl came to me in tears. She was crying, saying she'd never been talked down to in such a way before. So, without getting too into details, I remedied the situation and got her the last break she was due. Just FYI, the bullshit Cartman was spouting off is actually illegal. A company can't actually deprive you of your breaks, know your rights people!

Cartman and I used to be friends until his promotion. Now I'm really hoping I get this LP job so I can get the hell away from him and his Nazi ways. He walked up to me and said something, I told him, "I don't care." [simple. yet to the point.] Later he said something to me and I clearly heard it. Clearly didn't respond. I gave a super cold shoulder. Never mess with a firecracker unless you're prepared for the burn.  

I'm Too Drunk To Taste This Chicken.

(If you don't know already, the blog title is a quote from Talladega Nights. Look into it) My Friday night started out pretty mild. We went to a bar downtown called Barney's and started off with some drinks; Boulevard for him, Jack n Coke for me. We played a few games of pool while I ordered a Jagerbomb (which if you've never had one it tastes like black licorice. not the best taste, but not the worst).

We switched bars and went to a place called Nathan's where I had two more Jacks and one more Jagerbomb. We ordered some batter fried portabella mushrooms. (Delicious by the way). But I was pretty drunk at this point, so we decided to leave.

After all the money we spent on drinks I just wanted to go home, but Dan insisted on Wendy's. I was backseat driving telling him not to turn, so he was swerving a bit back and forth, not sure whether to listen to me or listen to his stomach. But the decision was made for him by the flashing police lights behind us. So we pulled into the parking lot, and waited to see what they could possibly want. The first thing I said was, "Well, at least we don't have any weed on us." (Mostly because I was drunk and more amused than nervous, so I was trying to get a laugh from Dan.)

So the cop walks up to the car, "License & Registration. Do you know why I stopped you?"..... no, obviously not. We just wanted some cheeseburgers. "You squealed your tires back there and were accelerating excessively. And you were driving all over the road. Step out of the car please."

We tried explaining that our tires squeal because they are bald. We don't have the money to replace them so we just deal with the noise it occassionally makes. Tried explaining the swerving. The speed limit was 25, and I dunno about you but it doesn't take me very long to accelerate to 25/mph. But Dan was over the legal limit on the breathalizer, no escaping that one.

So, Dan got a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) charge, he has a court date set up for January, a 30 day driving suspension, and in addition to the fine we have to pay for the DWI, we now also have a fine for "excessive noise". Really? Excessive noise? Seriously. Bite me. I'll fight that in court. That's unjust.

The officer handcuffed Dan and took him to the courthouse jail, and asked me if I had a friend I could call to come pick me up since I'd also been drinking. I told him no, I don't have anybody I can call. So what does he do? Leaves me there. I asked him if there was any way he could help me get home, and he just reiterated, "Maybe you can call a friend or somebody." Wow.... thanks asshole. Way to be a hero!

So it's the middle of November, cold out, almost Midnight, I'm drunk, alone, and 4 miles away from home. Not exactly what I had in mind when we left the house. I didn't know what to do, so I went back to Barney's to talk to the bartender. I figured she might be able to tell me where they took Dan, not only did she tell me, but she told her manager she was going to drive me there. So, a cop won't help me, but a random stranger from a bar will. What a fucked up world.

So me and Britney, the bartender girl, drove to the courthouse only to find out that he wont be able to get out for another half hour because he has a bunch of processing paperwork. She drives me back to Barney's to wait, and calls a friend of hers to drive me home so she can finish her shift. So stranger #2, Jeremiah, drives me to the courthouse. I finally pick up my husband, we make it home. I thanked Brtiney and Jeremiah like CRAZY. I really don't know what I would have done without their random kindness.

We walk up to the house and a group of black guys are hanging around outside. Dan shouts: "I JUST GOT ARRESTED. WOOOO!" So, they asked us what happened. After we told the story, one of the guys holding a bottle of Hennesy says, "Here you need some of this." We're both still drunk, and figure what the hell, why not. So we both take some. Then we [kinda] invited ourselves into their apartment (which is just below ours), and let me just say that's totally not like me. In fact I don't even know my neighbors name. Alcohol is pure liquid courage. Dangerous liquid courage. 

Dan and I were the only white people in the room, and the only married people in the room. They didn't seem to care. They were passing us drinks, they were loading a hookah bowl for us, then we started playing some drinking games "I've never ever" (where you say a statement, "I have never.... [farted]". and if you actually have done it, you take a drink.) Then we played a dirty card game. You pick a card from this deck of naked ladies in all kinds of kinky positions, and whatever you get, you have to mimic what they do in the picture (clothing on of course). Mine was really mild, just a girl grabbing her butt with her leg hiked up. Some of them were pretty funny, you can imagine.

So around 2 or 3 am I finally walked upstairs and crashed in bed. What a night.

My Cat Named Trebek.

A few months after I married Dan (I was 19 at the time) and was looking for a job in an empty apartment. It was lonely when he was at work, and I decided I wanted to get a kitten to keep me company. I had a perfect idea of what color kitten I'd like too, well, what we want isn't always what we get. Living in Oklahoma where it's more common to [probably] shoot a cat rather than rescue it, there weren't many cats at the adoption facility. 3 to be exact. There only 3 to choose from. So I picked the friendliest of the 3. He was black, which I was disappointed with because I was hoping for a colorful cat. But I was greatful that he was at least friendly and still fairly small...


One of the first few pictures we ever took the first week he was adopted.

I wasn't sure how this new cat would like Dan or vice versa, but I took the chance. When Dan walked in the door from work the cat went right to him and rubbed against his legs. Love at first sight. We knew having a pet was a handful, but it felt like an animal would be fun. We didn't know what to name him. I wanted something unique. We were into watching SNL's Celebrity Jeopardy with Will Ferell as Alex Trebek and Sean Connery and Burt Reynolds are always contestants. Anyway, we thought Trebek was an awesome idea at the time. No regrets. Here's an example:
Episode Of SNL Celebrity Jeopardy with Tom Hanks guest.

Now, here's a bunch of photos of Trebek since 2008.

Cat Nip. Totally... Stoned.

Serious Cat says: Thx for reading BitterSweet Paradigm. Breathe In. Breathe Out.



A Picture Speaks A Thousand Words.



(I found this while trying to find a google photo to go with the search criteria: "Optomistic")

At first I glance I thought, that's a lame photo to represent what I'm feeling. But then I thought about it. I am feeling a bit optomistic lately, and this tree is growing ever-so optomistically on that dead end ledge. Perhaps this blooming plant DOES represent a bit of myself in it.

I've had an amazing week that's been getting better at every turn. Seriously, this feels out of character; being a glass-half-empty pessimist by nature. Being happy is somewhat of a distant memory back to the time I was little, singing Alanis Morisette, on a swing set, in the rain with my sisters, like singing was going out of style. Oh, man. Singing all the damn time. Now, I'm shy to sing in front of people. I miss how care-free I once was.

Anyway. About my week: Friday night I went drinking with my father-in-law and Dan. Then Saturday morning I worked, slightly hung over with mild dizziness and a headache. (A friend gave me two pills. I took them not knowing what the side effects of these things were. I just knew it would get rid of a headache. Turns out they were muscle relaxers. Oops.) I sobered up from the pills, or so I thought. Which brings us to Saturday night. After an amazing night at Side Pockets- a bar/pool hall, 3 Doubles of Jack n Coke, one Jagerbomb, and a couple puke sessions on my part... I wound up crashing at my girlfriend's house. Sunday I missed work because I was too busy sleeping away my memories of what happened the night before. :) *Oh, by the way.... I suffered some slight memory loss of the later events*

Which leads me to some really good advice. Make sure you don't take mystery pills. & definitely don't take them with alcohol. BUT, despite that bitter fact... I had a fun Sunday. My father-in-law invited Dan and I over for chili and cornbread (with real corn, again! yes! fantastic. I love the stuff). Which was nice of him to offer, because I guess it means he's warming up to me as much as I'm trying to warm up to him. Sad truths.

Okay, good news & better news. Good news: Today my manager came up to me and said to talk to her after work because she had something to tell me; a customer called and wanted to talk to a manager about me. The customer said that I was "awesome, really fast, and nice". Okay, that may not sound like much to you, but it felt good to me. Because I've had some people say the exact opposite. Just depends on the customer sometimes. Better news: I might be getting a new job. So, after Thanksgiving (Black Friday, shudder..... some people think sales. I think... torture). I have to work 9 hours on Black Friday. But who knows. This might be my last holiday working as a cashier. Maybe I will hold the ability to keep that in mind. :) Fingers Crossed. I'll get the final word on the job in the next few weeks.

They Are Having Sex Awfully Loud Tonight

So, I'm sure you're captivated by the blog title today. I'm going to give you fair warning: this blog is sexual in content. If you are a close family member of mine I might reccommend you stop reading, because I'm about to talk about a very liberal subject........ Still here? Good. I like that optomistic spirit of yours so lets continue.

I'm usually a conservative person. I don't go out of my way to tell people about my sex life, but I'm not a prude either. Last night something happened that was so embarassing that I couldn't think of anything better to do than blog about it to my few, but faithful viewers.

Last night was one of the rare occassions that my sexual advances didn't work on Dan. He was supposed to wake up early the next day for class, and was too tired for any action. I was a little let down seeing as I'm usually the one saying, "I'm too tired." Right ladies? You've been there. So I decided I was going to accomplish this mission solo.

I put on my robe, which always makes me feel like a bit of a porn star. And I headed off to the computer room. I caught wind of this great porn site called I Feel Myself and yes, you have to pay money to join. However, let me be one to say..... it's totally worth it. So, as I was sifting through some new videos to spark the mood I put on my headphones. Right below our computer room is our neighbors bedroom. It was late at night and I figured some discretion might be tasteful in case he was down there trying to sleep.

I finally found something that turned me on enough to finish the job. I was feeling adventurous so I even listened to it a little bit louder than usual knowing only I could hear it. Sometimes listening to somebody else moaning and groaning is good enough to get the job done, and this video was not in short supply of that. It didn't take long before I started getting those tingles and jingles, and BAM! done.  I was extrememly tired afterwards, so I put my clothes back on and started to put the headphones away...... only to realize...

I never plugged in the headphones. And it was LOUD tonight. I'm pretty sure my neighbor heard everything, but to keep my sanity I'm just going to tell myself he didn't. Maybe he's a hard sleeper, maybe he was sleeping on the couch tonight, maybe he wasn't even home. Maybe he didn't hear. So much for discretion.