10 Days to Wisconsin

 How can I explain it?
Like an ocean's wave rushing the sandy shore.
Erasing footprints. Erasing memories.
My heart is heavy.
A great burden I carry.

Perhaps you see a bitch because my words can cut you into pieces. What you don't see is the hurt. What you don't see is the scared little girl inside; frightened of the future, timid of the unknown, attracted to the chaos to avoid the silence. When the world is quiet, I'm left with my own thoughts. I crave attention because I can't handle being alone. The things I think and the hurt I feel............... it's unbearable alone.

I'm moving to Wisconsin in 10 days. My husband is NOT coming with me. The worst part is that I don't even know what's happening; is this a separation? is this a divorce? am i ever coming back? I DON'T KNOW!!! I don't feel that publicly advertising this information is appropriate, but I also know what it's like to keep it to myself day after day. I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

Damn facebook. It's so easy to find yourself creeping on a friends page, staring at their photos, envying them. In fact, for me it's harder NOT to. I realize my status updates lately have a theme: "I'm bored and lonely." It's a desperate cry for help, hoping somebody will hear me. Hoping one of these days, somebody is going to call me or text me "You want to hang out tonight?". Alas, it's just a computer, not a magic box, and friends aren't going to Houdini themselves into my life simply because I want some this very moment. The sad truth is that I know even if I finally got that phone call or that text, it would only be a temporary relief. The next day I'd still be in the same situation............ wanting more. The grass is always greener on the other side, at least it is in the world of Reece Fox.

Anchors and Sails

My world always seems to be anchored down.
My ship is ready to set sail.
Something is wrong with the captain.

In 2 weeks I'll be leaving my life in Missouri. I'm terrified. Absolutely terrified. I feel a bit like a goldfish in an ocean; small and lost with little to no direction. I spend so much of my time trying to put on a happy face, as if somebody would think less of me for not being calm and collected. I'm willing to admit, I'm not as put together as I want to be seen. Only so much can be bottled inside, until it explodes out of you!

I'm angry. I'm stressed. I'm hurt. I try not to get emotional in front of others, but lately, all I want to do is yell or cry. About everything; my dead sister, my marriage, my job, college, my parents, my "friends" or lack of. At this point, running out of milk could bring me to tears. I'm emotional over everything and nothing at the same time.

What I want is to know that I matter to somebody, because most days I hardly matter to myself. I'd like to think of friendship as a story, and many of my stories are on their last chapter. One day I'll just be a picture to delete off someone's facebook. One day I'll be gone, have I left anything worth remembering? One day I'll be a memory somebody had of "that one girl that liked cats".

If I Die Young, Just Remember.....

On Friday, May 6, 2011.....
     My older sister, Elissa, died at the age of 25. To say the least my family is having a difficult time right now. All I ever wanted for her was happiness. I hope she'll be around to watch over me. This song is for you Elissa, you meant the world to me.

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well, I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove, Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you're really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well I've had, just enough time
So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Remember When Tootsie Rolls Were 1cent?

I'm not your typical 22 year old. Instead of partying and having obscene amounts of fun, I'm lavishly boring. Often times the highlight of my day is watching my 20 lb cat, Trebek, romp around the house; shooting from room to room with short bursts of fierce energy. I tend to be an old soul at heart. I find myself more content with life when it's simple and natural.

I've felt like I was "old" ever since I was 10. I'm not sure if that is difficult to understand because, honestly, it sounds natural to me. When I was 16, I felt like I was in my 20's. Now that I'm actually in my 20's I feel like I'm 30. Regularly I find myself thinking "it's not like it used to be" and "whatever happened to..."

The crabby old lady inside me is mildly frustrated with technology lately. Sometimes I just feel like as humans we're evolving too much for our own good. Here's my unoriginal thought for the day: We are so reliant on internet, computers, iphones, tivo, ipods, etc Everything is so easy, and in the process it's making us lazy.

This is a comic I drew to sum up my thoughts. Enjoy.

QUICK, Pass The Kleenex!

I'm happy to report that I'm alive!!!

This has been the worst cold I've had in nearly 10 years. About 9 days ago it started with the typical runny nose, a day later came the sore throat, closely followed by mucus build up in my airways, and an incessant cough. Unfortunately, I also have asthma. So my breathing was gettng dangerously irregular; especially at night with the cold air.

As of today I felt well enough to go back to work since the cold is gone, but I'm still having airway troubles. It's getting better, so I've kept putting off a visit to the doctors. Personally, it annoys me when people go to the doctors for every little thing. A cold? Come on, dude. It's not cancer. It's really nothing to worry about; drink water, sleep, take fever reducer, pain reliever, etc. Easy Peasy. If some of these hypochondriacs would stop over analyzing every symptom they have, it might actually free up some appointments for people with REAL problems to get seen at our clinics.

It takes an act of congress for me to set myself up an appointment. I just don't like people giving me information I could have figured out from WebMD and a drug I could have gotten OTC from Walmart. BUT.... having said that, if I'm not better in another 3 or 4 days, I'll go to the doctors. I think.

Despite the sickness, I've been feeling happier lately. It's been a month that I've been taking my meds for Borderline Personality Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It might be "power of suggestion", but I think things are getting better. I love myself enough to realize: I deserve happiness! And if it takes medication to get there, so be it. I'm okay with that. :)

Your God Looks Like My God

I believe that if there IS a God, He works in mysterious ways. Some of His work is hard to find, and some is even harder to explain. Whoever He is, He clearly has a sense of humor. There's no denying that much. Take kitty here for ex.

Isn't this just adorable!

I don't believe there is one God. I believe in what you could call a, "Personal Jesus", and the possibility that there is a "perfect God" for every individual. Somebody may desire a strict symbol to worship, wheras somebody else may desire multiple God's to help them through life. It's all about finding your God, but ALSO being happy for your neighbor when they find their God... even if it's not exactly the same as yours.

To be perfectly honest, I don't know where I came up with this belief. It wasn't taught to me by anybody. Even though my mother tried to raise us Catholic, I haven't fully read The Bible. I've only read the "cliff notes" so to speak. I know a little here and there about this and that, but I don't know enough to classify myself as any one religion. Even as a kid I was too independent to want somebody telling me a "proper" way to worship the Lord. I'm just ME, and I believe in what I believe! Simple as that. Aaaand... so long as nobody has definite proof of who's actually got it right, I'm going to continue doing so.

Blizzard... And I Don't Mean Dairy Queen.

There's so much snow on my back porch that I can't open the door!!!

This is not my door, BUT this is a fucking brilliant idea.

It's February. So, don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about snow in February. I would just prefer the ability to get to and from work in it. Luckily I don't work all week until Thursday because I would have wound up screwing them over by calling out. Sorry, call me selfish.... I'm not risking my safety for Kohl's. This job is just not that important, let's call a spade a spade. I make less than $8/hour. Not worth it.

Last year I threw my cat, Jack, in the snow just to see what he'd do. (Curiosity. Cats. You know. Anyway...). He started making his way to the neighbors part of our split double deck. He loved it!! I had to chase after him! It was hilarious. He wasn't getting far because it was a foot over his head. This year if I threw him out there.... I'd consider turning myself in for animal cruelty. It's viciously cold and blizzard-like out there!. We're supposed to get another 6 inches tomorrow. I'm glad the house is full of food and drinks because we aren't going anywhere for a while.

(This reminded me of my cats all looking out the door)